what its like to be me.

What it's like to be me, when it comes to hanafi.

All this while, with hanafi and even before that.. whenever I heard of some pitiful girl not being able to forget her boyfriend.. I'd always think- weakling. Of course you can forget him! Geez! No one has discipline and determination these days!…

Up until now.

And as much as I don't wallow in self-pity, I consider my situation rather pathetic.
Every night I make a long distance call. Not because I want to. Well, sometimes because I want to… but most of the time, its because I have to. The call lasts averagely one minute. Ever since his phone bill with "overseas call" written all over it skyrocketed, we had to limit my calls (yes-my calls, not his, not ours. Cos im always the one calling. He's always the one saying he has to go) to about a minute. On lucky days I might be able to entice him into a 3 minute conversation.

Very much like wham-bam-thank you-mam. Mostly lasting 5 mintues, if im lucky, he might go for 10.

But I don't blame him. He cant answer for the hundreds of dollars worth of overseas calls, when we would speak on the phone for about almost an hour, well aware but willing to push aside the impending doom of the phone bill. On the other hand, my mum hardly questions me about my phone bill. And when she does, she knows its hanafi keeping me up at night when we’re on the phone, or not on the phone. She knows cos she can hear me giggling or sobbing or both.. and then I'd tell her defiantly, " mum! Trust me on this one ok?! Im slowly getting over it, in my own way" What a liar, I'd think to myself. Im screwed. So very screwed. you don't know what its like. To talk to someone every night, into the wee hours of daylight on weekends, for over two years. And then suddenly to not have that privilege, that luxury, that right ripped from you.
And then sometimes when im feeling brave and happily single, I psycho myself saying over and over again :' you don’t need him.. you cant have him. You need someone new in ur life.someone new in ur life. Someone new in ur life'

And then there are those times when I missed the familiarity, the security, the love and joy I had before. The voice that translates into a lullaby (im not trying to write a romance novel but I literally do call him when I have trouble sleeping cos his voice helps me sleep. More so than puts me to sleep). And then it gets so bad it becomes a hole in my life.. if not my heart.

On the 11th of every month my phone alarm goes off reminding me it’s the anniversary.. now to be fair, I would have forgotten if I didn’t have an alarm. But that was the thing. I don’t want to forget. Im scared to. And then id start to think how long we would have been together by now. And then I wonder if he forgot. And then as I bordered on self-pity, I start to think… 7 month since we officially broke up. And look where we still are. We can't go on like this forever. i can't.

and then there's the thought of him moving on before i do.another girl in his arms.